Today is the day I have been dreading for five years. Yes, it’s only a half day today. And yes, it’s JUST Kindergarten, but this momma’s heart is feeling more than a little sad this morning. I waited until I got out into the parking lot to make my ugly cry face (you know you all have it), so only a few other moms had to endure it.
TT did absolutely wonderful all morning. He was so pumped up when he was getting ready, and he called his dad and said with a smile, “Today’s my first day of Kindergarten, Dad. Can you believe it?” We took pictures, he rode his bike for a few minutes, then it was time to pack everybody in the van and get to school.
I asked TT on the way there if he was nervous, and he wasn’t. We still had a little talk about how sometimes it’s hard trying new things, but we have to be brave. I drew a little heart on the palm of his hand before we left so if he gets sad at school, he can look at it and know that Daddy and I love him, and that God is in his heart so he doesn’t need to be sad or scared.
The girls and I walked him into his classroom, and after an initial hesitation, he breezed in and hung up his backpack like he’d been doing it his whole life. I took a few more pictures (yes, I’m THAT mom), and then we had to go. Thankfully, there are little windows outside his classroom so I peeked in a couple times to see that he was already playing and laughing with some new friends. Sigh. What a little man.
My girls think I’m crazy because as soon as we were in the parking lot, a little sob I’d been holding in all morning escaped and my ugly cry-face made its appearance. I didn’t see any other moms crying – somebody tell me I’m not the only one…
Anyway, after crying the whole way home and even after we got here, I’m feeling a little dazed.
One thing I can tell you for sure about the first day of Kindergarten:
Letting go is hard. Really hard. I’m forever grateful that God gave me a healthy, smart boy who wants to go to school, but a little piece of my heart is broken because Kindergarten means he’s not my little baby boy anymore. It took everything in me not to turn the van around and say, “Screw this. I’ll just homeschool you.” Letting go has completely filled me with mixed emotions: excitement, joy, sorrow, and nervousness.
It seems like just one minute ago we brought him home from the hospital and he was up all night and slept all day, and everyone said, “It gets easier.” Now I think that’s a lie all moms tell themselves. It doesn’t really get easier, parenting is still difficult in a different way.
Even through all of this brokenheartedness of letting go, there’s definitely still joy.